Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia - a Retrospective

As I approach my one-year cancer-versary, I’ve been feeling a need to reflect on the time and to wrap up the story, to record something profound about having cancer or learning from cancer or something to make it all make sense. It feels like an unfinished chapter in the book of my life, and I need to find the appropriate words to complete this chapter.  

What is having cancer like, one might wonder. Here’s the physical aspect: Since December 8, 2023, I’ve spent 45 days in the hospital (stay #1 was 42 days, stay #2 was 3 days). I’ve made almost 100 trips back and forth, to and from Hartford Hospital (one!!! more to go). I’ve been infused with more than 100 doses of arsenic trioxide, which is one of the most toxic forms of arsenic, the toxin most commonly recognized from the 1944 film Arsenic and Old Lace. There have been two bone marrow biopsies, a pic-line placement, a mid-line placement (which I was awake for…this was an experience), and a port placement. There have been collapsing veins, blood clots, echocardiograms, ultrasounds, dozens of EKGs, dozens of lab draws, multiple transfusions of blood, platelets, precipitate and plasma (I totally appreciate a vampire’s bloodlust in a way I never did before). There was an episode of potential liver failure, which ruined the family vacation as I was hospitalized the day before we were supposed to leave for the Bahamas. There was near-baldness, mouth sores that were one of the most painful things I’ve experienced, and the port still in my chest that feels like a Mento just beneath my skin, serving as a daily reminder of the things my body has gone through.

My four doses of chemo in the earliest days arrived in a heavy black suitcase, with a skull and crossbones on the case. There was a nuclear stress test in which a tiny portion of radioactive material was injected into my bloodstream. The syringe with the nuclear material was in a heavy metal box and the nurse had to wear protective gear similar to a heavy-duty x-ray shield. The doses of arsenic also required the nurses to suit up, wear gloves and a mask, with the requirement of placing the empty infusion bag – after the arsenic flowed into my body for an hour each visit - in a special garbage can, also with a skull and bones on it. I’m reminded of my cure’s toxicity every day. Who knew that arsenic, a naturally occurring poison that is also used in pesticides, herbicides and insecticides, just so happens to be the “miracle cure” for exactly one type of cancer?

What is it like, mentally and emotionally, to have cancer? I was devastated to receive the news at a walk-in clinic on a Friday night in December and, in hindsight, I think I went into shock, where I remained for several months. I was afraid sometimes but, most of the time, I thought I’d be okay. I was in the ICU for 11 days and I honestly don’t remember a lot of that time. Mike’s, the kids’, and my siblings’ faces revealed to me their fears. While I did feel awful, I don’t think I realized how sick I really was until about a month or more into my hospital stay. On a particular visit from the oncologist as my labs started to reveal that I had “turned a corner,” she told me how much sleep she’d lost over me and my case and how, based on better lab showings, she was finally able to relax a little.

After I got out of the hospital, I was just exhausted – physically spent from all my body (and mind) had endured the previous six weeks. I took A LOT of naps and largely tried to proceed as normal. I went to the kids’ sports games, I worked from home part-time and eventually went back to the office part-time in my off cycles of treatment. I planned a Canadian vacation (during which our car was stolen…I’ve never been known for my luck). I painted a couple rooms in the house, did some yardwork. Get cancer and carry on…that was my motto. During the recovery, I also remembered how to feel again.

This part is all a little more complicated. Due to a variety of personal and familial traumas between 2019 and 2023, I became emotionally catatonic around 2021, completely depleted of tears and feelings. I kept on keeping on, grateful to get through each day. And so I approached cancer, matter-of-factly, the same way…this cancer business was just one more crisis to deal with, amongst my many other crises, which had been occurring sometimes consecutively and sometimes concurrently. Upon diagnosis, one of the first things I said was, “If my regular life hasn’t killed me, cancer doesn’t stand a chance.” In hindsight, I have to wonder if my “regular life” and the stress and frequent misery wasn’t a contributing cause of the cancer. Perhaps my “regular life” was, indeed, going to kill me. But my emotional paralysis was probably a blessing in that it helped me stay rational to get through CANCER. There were, of course, fleeting moments when I would think of the possibility of not being around to see my kids finish growing up…I tear up now as I type this. But, as a whole, especially after the earliest days, I was pretty sure I would be okay. I don’t necessarily think it’s mind over matter, but I also don’t think that the mind isn’t a part of the process.

I’ve decided over time that the cancer was a blessing. Those years of preceding family trauma came to a head at this exact time (whether directly or indirectly because of the cancer), and the elusive ‘breaking point’ was finally found. And when things broke, they broke dramatically. But it was this “breaking” that finally, eventually, allowed the rebuilding process to begin. I don’t know definitively if the cancer contributed to the breaking, but I do believe that the cancer played a role in the fixing and rebuilding. So I’ve chosen to be grateful to and for the cancer for being a major player in this situation. If cancer contributed to ‘the fix,’ then it was all worth it and I’d do it all over again.

My girl, Grace, is named Grace because of a woman I met at the age of 19 (she was 39), who died of cancer when I was 21 (she was 41). Gail was an amazing and funny and kind and strong woman who battled multiple cancers during the two brief years I was fortunate to know her. She was a fast friend and she took me in to her family and her life. She had a husband I adored and a 9-year-old son, for whom my heart broke. Gail lived her life – and, more importantly, her disease – with such grace, that I knew if I someday had a daughter, she would be named Grace, to honor Gail and all she taught me about humility and hope and strength and grace. I still choke up, 26 years later, when I think of my beautiful friend.

Have I changed? Probably. I’m probably a little more able (on my good days) to let the small stuff go. I’m probably a little more aware of the preciousness of each day, though I’d always been conscious of the fragility of life and time and the lack thereof. I’m probably a little more inclined to not put the important things off until later, just in case there isn’t a later. I’m probably better at saying “I love you” more frequently than I did before.

I tried to follow in Gail’s footsteps and be positive throughout, be a compliant patient, and, so importantly, to have patience. I tried not to complain, which was fairly easy as I watched several of the other patients on the floor be there one day and not the next (they were not discharged; they lost their fight). Even though my situation wasn’t ideal, I tried to remind myself that there’s always something worse. I tried to set an example for my kids like Gail set for me, that it’s possible to deal with some incredibly heavy stuff while also keeping a sense of humor and being kind and not wallowing in misery. I tried. Every day, I tried. Which is all any of us can do every day, in any situation – good or otherwise. I tried to be a good person. Tried to stay positive. Tried to be grateful. Tried to live with grace. Tried to find the “good” in a crap situation. Tried...still trying...to make it all make sense.

I think that's it. This is really all I know. No matter the situation, the only way through it is through it. Keep going. Try.

An Ode to the Looney Tunes, part 2 of 4

Almost a decade ago, I wrote the first of what was supposed to be a four-part series of letters to my kids, explaining why each of them was my favorite. Inspired by Erma Bombeck many years ago, I wrote the first entry about Nadia. Somehow, nine+ years and a whole lot of life passed, and I never wrote the other three. 

It’s been an especially emotional year or so, as I have watched my Grace - nicknamed over the years as Butterbean, KungFu Grace, my little flowerpot, and, more recently, Beast - grow into a strong, capable and confident young woman. Over this last year, she has completed a series of “lasts”…her last season of playing volleyball, her last year of high school, and all the culminating things that go with them…before a whole new series of “firsts,” as she heads off to college and begins a new life that I won’t be a part of every day, that I won’t be able to watch her settle in to or to thrive in. As we continuously near Grace’s move-in date in a week, my heart breaks a little more each day.

As I was at the grocery store with Grace last weekend, I was observing my 5’7”, physically fit and strong girl stocking up on toiletries and medicines to take with her, enamored with the image of who she has become, so far. And then, around the corner came a woman pushing a shopping cart with a little blonde girl in the seat, kicking her tiny, sandaled feet, back and forth, back and forth. All I could see in that moment was a 16-year-old memory, of me pushing a shopping cart with a 2-year-old Grace in the cart seat. I could see her superfine, blonde hair falling out of her little flowered barrette, I could see her little painted toenails, and her one crooked little toe, in her white velcro sandals with a butterfly on them. In that moment, I felt my heart seize and a giant lump lodged in my throat. I felt tears filling my eyes and tried to fight them back so as to avoid a grocery store scene in the HABA aisle. As I told this story to someone the following day, I burst into tears and sobbed for many minutes, admitting the ugly truth over how much I will miss my girl. 

So, this is part two of my four love letters, dedicated to my firstborn. 

Dear Grace, 

I love you the most because you were/are such an easy kid to parent that you gave me the confidence to have more kids, since I thought Dad and I were just super-amazing parents, based on how well you slept as a baby and how well you ate, and how good you were at cleaning up your toys. Little did I know how much nature - not nurture - played a role in your “easiness,” but now that’s something else I’ve come to love and appreciate about you, as well… the general “goodness” that you were born with.  

I love you for your bravery. I still remember the day we took you to Eisenhower Elementary in Junction City, KS, for your first day at your new school, halfway through your kindergarten year. You were so shy and quiet back then, and I was terrified for you as we stood there in the office, introducing ourselves to Ms. Linda and Ms. Patty. They offered for us to walk down with you to your new classroom, but you said no. You said your goodbyes to us, stoically, and went with them down the hall to your new classroom. I remember standing in the hall, watching you walk down the long corridor, and how I cried in fear and nervousness for your transition. You walked down that hallway and never once turned and looked back. You were all of five years old, and you never looked back for a glimpse of us, or to reassure yourself or us. You just steeled yourself and did it, and I marveled at that brave girl, as I stood in the midst of my weepy puddle. This was the first time of many when you’ve steeled yourself for hard things and just done them, with a brave face and no complaints. 

I love you for your wisdom. Sometimes I need a straight answer about something dicey, and I will consult you because I respect your opinion and your willingness to speak truth, even if it’s not what I want to hear. Thank you for that. 

I love you for your humor. You are so sharp-witted and sharp-tongued and funny, and you challenge me to raise my game to be smarter, to be funnier, to be quicker with a zing (having a battle of wits with you is so fun!). I love the relationship we have, centered around this humor… so much of our relationship is based on teasing me, throwing me under the bus (or potentially into a jail cell) or threatening occasional violence upon me (most recently, at Six Flags, when you lovingly told me that if fear of the ride didn’t kill me, you would), but I love that we can laugh and have fun, and I am completely content to be the source of the mockery. Occasionally, I get to repay the favor (see: the rumor about your prolific yodeling). 

I love you for the great friends you’ve chosen and have brought into our lives over the years. This morning, when asked where you were going as you walked out the door, you said, "To unicycle with Grace." Keep choosing people like you have so far, your instincts are good. 

I love you for the “possibility” you inspire - your work ethic and determination imply that you will accomplish whatever you decide to do, and I can’t wait to watch you as you figure out what you want to be and do in life. And while the house will be so empty without you, I'm so excited for you to spread your wings and fly, even though you have to leave the nest to do so. Go soar, my Love. 

The Changing of Seasons (Tread Softly)

I’ve heard from a few of my six loyal blog-followers that it’s been too long since a post. They miss the hilarious mom I once was, raising four little kids, chronicling the daily ridiculousness that comes with parenting a tiny army of people made in my own image. Well, that…coupled with my own unique, lifelong ability to attract/stumble into shenanigans at a rate far greater than most of the general public (many of these episodes occurring through absolutely NO fault of my own). Ahhh…that mom. I miss her, too. While she was often hanging on by some invisible thread, she was always at all the kids’ events, she played outside with them, she cooked actual dinners that even included vegetables, she hosted the neighborhood kids and was sometimes confused with a daycare center (true story…there were THAT many kids at our house all the time!!), she always planned fun stuff and weekend events, she knew where all her vacuum attachments were, and she would sometimes chronicle thoughtful, funny musings about everyday life with the kids. She was a hell of a gal (or so she likes to think). 

Yet time passes. And kids grow. And family dynamics - and life - change. When I used to lament about wanting the kids to hurry up and grow up so they could cut their own meat and have the survival instinct of looking both ways when they crossed a street, there was always some older, wiser person who would warn me of the same things: Be careful what you wish for. Bigger kids mean bigger problems. You’ll miss this someday. And all of these statements prove true every day. I miss those sweet peanuts who loved me so much that I could cure almost any of their sorrows with a hug. I miss those sweet peanuts who were always in my presence to keep safe at all times. If only a hug was still a magic elixir. If only they even let me hug them. If only I could protect them all the time. If only I appreciated those days more. If only….

Somehow, I’m a lot less funny than I used to be, and so is life, in general. Life is evolution. And seasons change, both literally and figuratively. What was once a humorous observation of a particular moment is now observed through a much wider lens, for a bigger picture look. We were once the growing kids that our parents panicked about when we rode our bikes out of sight. We were once the teenagers our parents feared for when we were out past curfew, probably doing something stupid. We are (or were) all someone’s kids, and our parents surely felt the same way we do now, as they watched our evolution from little kids with little problems, to the bigger kids we are now with our much-bigger problems. I hope that continuously getting older doesn’t mean that our problems will continue to grow, because these middle-aged problems are pretty freaking horrifying and totally suck. 

Maybe we’re broken-hearted for our kids’ struggles (and, of course, their struggles are our struggles, since our fates and happiness are permanently intertwined, like roots). Maybe we’re broken-hearted for our aging parents’ struggles (if we’re lucky enough to still have parents), or we mourn our status as adult orphans and our loss of time to fix damaged relationships (again, those tangled roots…). Maybe we are looking at the sheer carnage that may be affecting our friends’ lives - whether it’s the shocking and premature loss of people we love; maybe it’s a cancer or another health diagnosis for someone too young and too full of life; maybe it’s the dissolution of a family through divorce; maybe it’s financial devastation of a health diagnosis or loss of a job. And, worse still, maybe this carnage hits even closer to home and to our hearts, maybe it’s our carnage. Maybe it’s our illness, or our child’s illness, or our own divorce, maybe it’s more than one thing, sometimes it may even feel like all the things, at the same time. Bigger kids, bigger problems indeed.

Nothing funny here at all, at least on some of the days. There’s a line in a poem I’ve always loved: “I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”* As these seasons of life change, and times fluctuate between good and manageable and difficult and what feels like impossible, I hang on to and have to remind myself to tread softly, both with myself (why is this always so difficult?) and those with whom I encounter. Sometimes we all need this reminder: Tread softly because we never know what someone else is going though. And if someone you know and love is currently smiling, still tread softly, as many people continue to smile even though they’re facing something insurmountable. And if someone you don’t really know that well is a complete and total asshole, still tread softly (this is the most challenging one of all) and try to give the benefit of the doubt…maybe they’re going through something we can’t begin to imagine. Tread softly in this life that is laden with trip wires. If it’s not currently our turn to be caught in the crosshairs of life, be grateful! But tread softly on those around you because, inevitably, we will, eventually, all have our turn(s). Whatever it is, whenever it comes, may we all come out on the other side, mostly intact, with a greater ability to tread softly for/on others. 

* W.B. Yeats, “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven” (old Journalism majors never die, but they do forget how to properly cite after enough years)

Celebrating Survival

I recently was discussing with someone how they were going to celebrate their upcoming birthday, and they said, “What in the last year is worth celebrating?” As background, this person has gone through so much personal hardship in the last year - a year that was already so full of hardship due to a pandemic that has altered life for most everyone, in most every way possible, and in a time of political vitriol that has stirred so much anxiety in so many. I was heartbroken at the despair in their statement, at the evident sorrow in their heart. Yet I’d said the exact same thing at my birthday, almost two months ago. In the midst of a very difficult personal time, my birthday had the audacity to happen, again. And I was so disengaged, due to life circumstances, that I didn’t want acknowledgement or any kind of “celebration” of a life that felt almost impossible to manage. I just wanted to bury my head in the sand and get through the annual milestone day meant to celebrate Life. 

Yet as soon as I heard them say what they said, I immediately fell into “there’s always something to be grateful for” mode, and parsed out things like, “Then celebrate the coming year, which will inevitably be better!” and, “Last year is OVER, and you survived!” To which they responded, “I don’t want to celebrate ‘just surviving.’” In their mind, survival is a given…something that happens ‘effortlessly,’ as long as the heart keeps beating, and is nothing that we might deserve any credit or congratulations for. But the truth is, survival is indeed something to celebrate - both celebrating our body, for being healthy enough to keep functioning, as well as ourselves, for mentally not giving up and for being strong enough to keep facing the hard things, and to keep on keeping on, day after difficult day. We rarely give ourselves enough credit, and this is a statement that applies to most everyone, in most every situation, everywhere. 

This is not a newsflash…this last year has been hard. Everyone knows all the external things (macro-level) that have been hard. And then there’s everyone’s specific life (micro-level), which comes with its own challenges. Everyone has been dealing with A LOT - both in the external world and in our own internal world - and some people have been dealing with EVEN MORE. And we feel bad, because sometimes there’s so much to feel bad about, and then we feel bad that we feel bad and beat ourselves up even more. It is a relentless and unforgiving circle.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t often (or ever) quote Scripture, but I often say out loud that I just wish everyone would be FRICKIN’ NICE to each other, which probably originates from the commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  And it’s absolutely true…life would be so much easier if we were all nice to our ‘neighbors’ - not just our literal neighbors, but our figurative, ‘fellow human being’ neighbors. And I do love my neighbors. I always try to think of someone’s background and how that affects their current situation. I will stop to help a stranger, say kind things to people I don’t know. I hope I am a decent friend. I like to think that I encourage people, and don’t judge them, and tell people that they’re doing the best they can. I like to think I’m kind and sympathetic. I like to think I encourage people to forgive others and themselves. I give unasked-for hugs whenever they are merited/needed/deserved (less so right now, unfortunately). 

But I definitely should NOT love my neighbors as I love myself, because - like the person with the birthday - I, too, am fairly brutal on myself. I dwell on my shortcomings and ways I haven’t been who I should’ve been. I regret having done or said things. I blame myself for things that possibly weren’t even my fault. I judge myself and hold self-grudges. Quite frankly, I treat myself like shit. What I really should be doing is loving myself as I love my neighbors, and I know this a true statement for far more people than just me. As a society, we are trying to develop a culture of kindness where we teach our children to embrace kindness and compassion for others, yet we fail - so often - to do the same things with ourselves. I would never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself, and I wish I treated myself as I’d treat a friend. I am my own worst bully, if I’m being honest. 

Which brings me back to the statement from the upcoming-birthday-person…the “I don’t want to celebrate just surviving” statement. I say this to that person, and to myself, and to anyone who needs to hear it: 
’Just surviving’…YOUR survival…is worth celebrating. It is a gift to you that may be hard to see in hard times. There is so much ahead for you that has nothing to do with your life right now, and those things will be wonderful and you will feel joy. Your survival is also a gift to those who love you. You bring joy, even in hard times, to others…through who you are, and your humor, and your strength. Your life is worth celebrating…not just on your birthday, but on every single day. 
Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Offer yourself the same understanding that you would offer a friend in the same situation. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Know that you are doing the best you can. Know that you are loved, and worth loving. Know that hard times won’t always be the way. Know that you will emerge from this stronger and more compassionate and better. Know that you are not alone.
Every breath is worth celebrating. Your survival is worth celebrating. Love yourself as your neighbor. You are MY ‘neighbor’ and I love you with all my heart. Love yourself like that. Even in hard times. 

The Best Medicine

Good things about the coronavirus pandemic: things everywhere are much cleaner than they’ve ever been (excluding my personal residence, because kids are home full-time). Our family schedule has freed up (even though we can’t actually go anywhere to do anything). I can get a parking place at the coffee shop WITH EASE every morning (woo-FREAKING-hoo!). There’s so much less traffic on the roads (although…why am I even out of the house???). And thanks to no school and working from home, I played Monopoly with 13-year-old Nadia today, and she said she developed a nine-pack (!! that’s 1.5 times more than a six-pack!) from laughing so hard. Moments like this, where any kid has an enjoyable time with me, much less 13-year-old Nadia, are few and far between. I feel like a selfish ass when I say this, but if it takes a freaking global pandemic and societal shutdown to inspire an hour where my kid LIKES me, then bring on MORE global pandemics and societal shutdowns! 

As soon as I typed that, I knew it was wrong. As is sometimes the case in this thing called Parenting and Life, common sense kicks in, and I remember that there’s far more bad than good with this pandemic. There’s the whole economic turmoil as the stock market is on what makes Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride seems like a leisurely, Sunday drive in the counrtyside. People are out of work as businesses shutter. Grocery stores are empty of protein and dairy and bread (NOT talking about TP, nor am I going to talk about the peculiar frozen meat product that went into our dinner tonight that had the texture of tofu and the flavor of burnt hot dog, yet was somehow labelled as “chicken”). Schools are closed (dear God…someone please help me!) and I’m supposed to be home-schooling (math: A bottle of wine costs $11.99. When you buy 6, you get 10 percent off. Calculate the total of 24 bottles, plus sales tax at 6.375 percent). Then, of couse, there’s the fact that America has gone toilet-paper crazy (seriously, I was in a bathroom at the mall this weekend and ALL the stalls were empty of toilet paper, which I think had been STOLEN!). And then there are the quarantined, the sick, and the deceased. Nothing. Good. Here. Nothing to even justify the 13-year-old who laughed so hard she got extra abs.  

Personally, 2019 sucked, in epic proportions. My family went through some serious crap, and the days were dark, and many, and long. I kept going through the motions, because that’s what we do when we don’t have the luxury of throwing in the towel, giving up, and retreating to a dark place with a cat, a bottle of vodka, and a fuzzy blanket. For a while, and sometimes still, I thought that I lost my sense of humor. I couldn’t find the humor in things and, as I realized, if you can’t laugh at shit, it’s really hard to get through a day. And if I’m being completely honest, I know I’m not the same as I was. I’m still navigating it all…the boat hasn’t sunk, but the water is still choppy. Sometimes land is in sight, sometimes I can’t see it. I’d been so anxious for a return to “normalcy” (whatever that is) over the last year, and - a month or two ago - thought that’s where things were headed. And then…the pandemic. 

A little perspective never hurts. I am healthy(ish), the family is healthy, and we’re likely to emerge from this all unscathed. Though my business is definitely affected, I still have a job and I know that we’re going to have a roof over our heads at the end of this, and everyone is going to have food to eat (although it may be called chicken, but taste like tofu meets hot dog). There’s an excellent chance that I’m not going to run out of toilet paper, in spite of not having overbought, because there’s a million-pack at work, double-ply, and I can make those rolls last a really, really long time, if necessary. 

There’s plenty to be scared of every day, but I’m approaching this pandemic, at this point, with a sense of humor because I’ve learned over the years - and this past year more than any other year - that finding the humor in things is one of the best ways to get through things, even when nothing is funny. If the choice is laughter or tears, choose laughter. Or tears from laughing too hard. 

One Hilarious Mother*#!

I always tell my kids that I am freaking HILARIOUS, because I am not always sure that they know. It’s not that I am quietly funny, like Mike, or secretively funny to a select few….I’m not shy and I make no efforts to hide how hilarious I am. All day long, I am doing hilarious things, throwing out zingers, and just waiting for the world to laugh. It’s part of who I am…trying to lighten the mood of LIFE (all capitals, because LIFE is no joke, and it’s a freaking SERIOUS business that often needs levity). So I am goofy and full of shenanigans and I have a pretty sharp wit, because I feel that that is a necessary component of living….to lighten the mood and to be an antidote to the very serious business of BEING ALIVE. I am willing to provide that levity and am pretty much impervious to embarrassment. I am all about having a good time and living in the moment, because life is hard and life is short, and you might as well just enjoy it and try to lighten it for others along the way. 

Having said all that….I am also a parent to 12- and 14-year-old girls. Which means I have a constant audience of people who don’t think I am funny. AT ALL. IN ANY CAPACITY. Which is tragic, because…seriously…I am freaking hilarious. Take, for example, what happened yesterday.  Grace (the 14-year-old) and I went to purchase new glasses for her. The optician handed me two forms…one was a basic info form, which I passed to Grace to fill out. The other form was more of the same, but with a few different questions, which I took to fill out. One of the questions was “What do you like to do in your spare time?” A bit about Grace…she is an easy kid to raise, gets good grades, and gives us minimal grief. But I couldn’t help myself and wrote “kung fu” as her hobby because, whenever I try to hug Grace (she’s allergic to affection), she physically defends herself from my love, often with a defensive posture and possibly a kick. I recently nicknamed her Kung Fu Grace and have plans in my head for a children’s book series about a girl named Kung Fu Grace and her cat, Hairy Houdini, who may or may not be based on Grace and her actual cat, who is about the worst cat in the history of cats. She dislikes the nickname, so I continue to call her Kung Fu Grace, because I have so few methods of revenge. So when my giggling gave me away, she promptly checked to see what I’d written, gave me a disgusted look, threatened me with a kick, and scratched out her Kung Fu hobby. I let it slide, knowing that I would eventually find an opportunity to write a new hobby in the blank. I bided my time, until she was no longer looking and the opportunity arose for me to write “yodeling” as her hobby. I successfully handed the questionnaire to the optician, and promptly told Grace about how I’d written “yodeling” as her hobby. For the record, Grace does NOT yodel. Needless to say, Grace saw NO humor in what I’d done, but I am still giggling about it, more than 24 hours later. Like I said….I am freaking hilarious. 

Sadly, most of my humor is lost on my 12 and 14-year-old girls, no matter what I come up with. Cerebral comedy, physical humor…doesn’t matter. When you’re 12 or 14 and you’re mother is the comedian, it’s just not funny. Because mothers aren’t funny. They’re embarrassing, out of touch, old….but never funny. My 7 and 8-year-old boys find me slightly funnier than the girls do, but not by much. Sadly, the girls have poisoned the boys against my humor, and I may never be appreciated in my time. It’s the curse of being a mom. Or, more specifically, the curse of being a hilarious mom.

Yet I persist. It’s what funny people do. We carry on with the shenanigans, even when the audience isn’t laughing. Even if no one (in my family) finds me funny, I keep myself laughing, which is NOT an easy thing to do. Being a parent of four is NO. LAUGHING. MATTER. Seriously. I’m just warning you, in the event you’re a parent and not already at the point in your parenting career when there is NO LAUGHTER. Prepare yourself, and have a prescription handy (because one or some of you are going to need it). Sometimes I think the secret to surviving it all is the ability to keep laughing, even when the days are impossible and there’s no reason to laugh. Just keep searching for a reason to laugh. Search out the ridiculous and the silly. Find something in the day that makes you giggle. Because these days are freaking hard. And sometimes the silly laughs are all there is to get you through to the next day. And if the laughs come at the sake of mortifying your kid, so be it. I’m sure they deserve it for some injustice they inflicted on you. 

Don’t forget…they’ve embarrassed you countless times over the years, too, whether it was when they told Dad that “Mom got pulled over…again!” or when they told their pre-school teacher that mom’s favorite juice is wine. It all evens out in the end, and maybe…just maybe…they’ll be lucky enough to grow up to be one hilarious mother, too.

Time as Related to Place

Great novels start with lines like, Call me Ishmael. Mediocre blogs start with lines like…

Call me Sophia Petrillo. When I tell a story, I like to set it up Sophia-style. “Picture it…a pay toilet in Boleslawiec, Poland, 2001.” Or, “Picture it…the breakdown lane of I-70 in Richmond, Indiana, 2014.” Or, “Picture it…the Yakov Smirnoff Comedy Club in Branson, Missouri, 1999.”  For the last 20 years, my memory has been structured geographically. When I need to figure out when something happened, I determine where we lived at the time, and then I determine if the event happened early on, in the middle of, or late in our stay….calculations, tabulations, carry the one, and voila!…the year of the memory! 

Give me an event from the last two decades…the Japanese tsunami? I know that happened on March 12, 2011, for two reasons…it happened on my brother-in-law’s birthday and it happened right after we moved to Junction City, KS (arrival date: 12/31/2010, so that puts that year as 2011). When did Michael Jackson die? I watched the news of that event in our Fort Leavenworth, KS, living room, and we lived in that house from November 2008 until Dec 2009. It was warm out, so that means Michael Jackson died in summer 2009.  Columbine? I was glued to the news from our living room in Jacksonville, AL. It was spring and the only spring we lived there was 1999, so Columbine happened in April 1999. When my brother from Florida came to visit? That’d be October 2007, which I remember because it was at the West Point, NY, house (where we lived from July 2007 until November 2008), and it was the first time I needed to turn the heat on (the heat, of course, didn’t work and my Floridian brother’s family nearly froze to death as the temperature inside dropped to a brisk 54 degrees). I can remember when babies were born, when people we knew passed on, when friends got divorced or married, all based on the memory of the house in which I heard the news. 

In general, my memory is not the best. What happened yesterday? Ummm….not sure. Whether it’s short-term or long-term memory, I have a fairly serious case of CRS (while likely not found in any medical literature, Can’t Remember Shit affects a LOT of people, though I forget how many exactly). Some people might brag that their mind is like a steel trap, but I think of my mind as more of a colander…a porous device with many holes through which information constantly escapes in a steady flow. On the positive note, I keep finding my way home every day, so that’s the good news. 

Currently, my brain is in a stage of complete and total Information Overload, at about 125 percent capacity. If my mind were a school, someone would be positioning portables in the parking lot to hold the overflow. On a good day, I have a lot going on. Right now, as we are attempting to transition from Army life to the “normal people” life I never quite believed we’d ever reach, we are neck-deep in extra stuff to think about, worry about, and remember to do. I’m thinking about and trying to remember the myriad of things we need to do in our current house, in our next house, for the kids, for us. I also feel like I should be Christmas shopping already, since things are going to get really busy really soon and stay that way for several months. But one of the most random things I’m thinking and worrying about is how I’m going to remember stuff once we’re settled, living that “normal people” life I’ve only imagined.

How, exactly, will I remember when things happen when we live in the same place for a long time? How will I remember when stuff happens when our living room will always have the furniture arranged the same way? Will one year look like another year and another? How will I know when *random kid*  had their wisdom teeth removed? How will I know when *whoever* broke their tibia? How will I know when we put new tires on the car? When your life is Settled and Stable, how do you know when anything happened? Or, when your life is Settled and Stable, is it easier to keep track of things? Or, is the concept of Settled and Stable a myth, in the same family as the chupacabra and Siblings Who Get Along?

After contemplating this for the last 770 words, I’ve decided that, in the grand scheme of things, the important part of life is having made memories, and the memory’s place in time is only the concern of those suffering from type-A tendencies (guilty). It probably doesn’t matter when things happen; it’s more important to be living life in a way that things are actually happening. And the past 20 years have been pretty full of happenings, for better or worse, as Mike has undertaken a career of service to our nation, and the kids and I have hung on for dear life during the ride. As this chapter in our lives comes to a close, I am grateful for the many places and friends and adventures and memories made along the way, and I look forward to and am hopeful for a future full of more memories. Even if I can never place them in time, as we embark on this new Stable and Settled life.